Dear Metabolism,
I miss you. Really. I miss you a lot.
So much so that today I started searching for a photo of you, just to remember you by. To my joy, here is what I found:
But upon closer inspection, I realized, this isn’t MY metabolism. It’s just some dude. Kind of like those pictures of other people that come in the frames at Target.
So I kept looking. Then I saw you:
Very nice, you slacker. You’re totally off the job! Seriously–what on earth has happened to you? Surely you’re not going to try to give me that excuse that I’M to blame for your disrepair, are you?!
Listen, I know that getting older makes everything a little more rusty, but this is ridiculous. And what’s with the hiding out at the bottom of that stairwell like some kind of bum?
Well, you’re right about one thing. You definitely need help. And if you want it, you’ve got it. We’re going to work together to get you back in fine shape.
But you’re going to have to cooperate with me.
No more of this deal where I do all the work and you stay asleep or in a daze. No more hiding out when there’s metabolizing to be done!
We are getting ready to kick this health thing into higher gear, and I’ve gotta have your cooperation. Understand?
You’re getting ready to experience some jolts to your broken-down, sleepy lifestyle, Metabolism.
I’m getting ready to experience even better health and maybe even the loss of 30, 40 or 50 pounds.
And those people out there, the ones who are looking in at you through their computer screens, reading this? Consider them like the wild fans at a hockey game or a wrestling match, cheering on the home team (that would be me) onto total victory.
In short, YOU belong to ME. Brace yourself. And consider yourself warned.
Oh, and feel better soon. Looking forward to seeing more of you!
Your friend,
Shannon
Oh my this is hysterical. I am now having the same discussion with my bum of a metabolism!
Why is it when you are in your 20’s & 30’s, you have only to do a few small things to boost your metabolism & thus, lose weight. I’ve now cut back on what I eat & excerscise and have only managed to not GAIN more. (sigh) Yep, my metabolism & me are coming to blows too!
Thanks for the a.m. laugh.
Thanks Christy (Mamarazzi!) Glad you stopped by. Hope you get a chance to come back and visit again, because, Girl, the metabolism is definitely not the only issue that I wrestle! It’s crazy getting old(er)! 🙂
Hi: How old are you? Question is not meant to offend, but just curious. I grew up with two brothers, who could eat great big bowls of ice cream every evening and mound their dinner plates with mashed potatoes and gravy, and never gain an ounce. I had to start watching what I was eating at the age of 15. I had stopped growing and MY metabolism would not allow me such large quantities of food and dessert. We are now all in our 50’s and 60’s and my brothers still eat what they want and are still thin. Yes, we all are active, but THEY can be active and thin and eat whatever, but I am active and thin because I carefully monitor what I eat. Is that fair? I don’t think so.
No offense taken, friend. I’m 44 years old and have ALWAYS had to watch it. It’s just that for the last year or so, nothing seems to work. I’ve taken to distance running, which has done nothing for my weight, but at least the endorphins keep me happy.
I have no advice for you regarding your brothers, because I have a very fit brother as well. The little snot. True, he did walk the entire Appalachian Trail years ago, so he has some kind of fitness ability, but he’s not exactly been an athlete the past few years. But he still uses serving bowls for his cereal. I feel your pain.
Completely unfair. I agree with you. If I ever figure out a work-around, I’ll definitely let you know!
Very true. When I was young, my metabolism was my best friend and I was very slim. Now that I am older, it is so much harder to keep the weight off.
http://www.moneyprovidesfreedom.wordpress.com
Thanks for your honesty, and best wishes on everything!
Too funny! What a great idea – I would try and write a letter to my metabolism but I fear it would just tell me to shut-up so it could go back to sleep!
my metabolism has always been defunct and living underneath a staircase. i am still young & don’t know how to rev it up! i envy people with great metabolisms at any age!!
I think my metabolism and you metabolism are out somewhere having drinks and appetizers together. If you get yours to come home, could you please direct mine home as well?
Yes, Jamie! After I give them a scolding for going out without leaving us a note!
Well, I think my metabolism is bringing the dessert–probably two desserts. After a lifetime of good genetics and being able to eat whatever I wanted, my metabolism came to a screeching halt at age 30. Four children later, and I still can’t find it!
Good luck with kicking that lazy metabolism into gear!
I believe even mine might have to have a talk with the metabolism of a friend of mine who’s “nutritious” breakfast consists of reese’s pieces and pepsi, yet he still remains a bean pole. SO WRONG! 😛
Funny. Tragically funny. I used to think that because I never had a butt, there wouldn’t be anything that could sag. Amazing how now there’s something sagging back there. I’m still trying to figure out where it came from.
🙂
Why doesn’t anyone tell you this when you are 20? Why did I think I was sooooo over weight then? I would give anything to be that fat again (or “that tired”) I actually think my 4 kids have hidden my metabolism somewhere under the couch with the stale gold fish and cheerios. Good luck! You have inspired me to do something I have been putting off for a long time. Great post.
🙂 brilliant
Haha…Love it!! 🙂
I had a talk with my metabolism not too long ago too: https://inkgwen.wordpress.com/2010/09/10/micro-size-your-order/
Great blog post. I’m trying to lose my handles that my metabolism also forgot about. Once those dang things are on, they’re very hard to convince to leave.
Congrats on getting on Freshly Pressed!
Very funny! Good luck and I hope your metabolism isn’t a stubborn one. Congrats on FP/
Hmm…I don’t recognize the first picture of metabolism that you posted…we’ve never met. However, I’m more than acquainted with the second picture…I believe he’s a cousin…twice removed…from my own metabolism. So good to see he’s become so famous.
Metabolism…the bane of my existence…
You know, I once had a fireplace in my home that I loved to burn in the winter for two reasons: one, to take the chill off on a cold dismal winter`s day, two for the ambiance, the smellof wood burning,the crackle and of course,the sight of the flame itself. The heat output was quite disappointing, however. I would go thru a cord of wood in a month and still have to run the furnace full time.
Then I discovered Blaze King, the incredibly efficient free-standing cast iron stove. (you may be starting to see what this has got to do with metabolism). The week I bought this great old fashioned stove, I turned off my furnace – for good. The cord of wood I bought per month was now lasting 2.5 months and my house was as cozy as a bug in a rug. The “metabolism” of the fireplace was very inefficient, as it burned fuel without actually producing anything. The Blaze King on the other hand, burned a fraction as much fuel and produced an amazing amount of heat.
Our bodies are pretty much the same. You “healthy” (read hefty) folks are actually very lucky. In the unlikely event of a famine you will fare well compared to the “fireplaces” whom you seem to admire and envy. No sir,the problem is not with the metabolism…it is working perfectly. The problem is civilazation or “socilaization” if you will. It is society that has determined that we ought to all look as though we haven`t eaten for a week. It is social pressure that makes us look into the mirror and shake our heads in stark disapproval. As I watched the National Geographic channel last weekend, I watched in amazement as walruses crowded onto a rocky beach due to the lack of ice in the north pole (due to global warming no doubt). The dominant males weighed in the neighborhood of a thousand kilos and believe me,not one of the other walruses was making fun of them. As a matter of fact, they were the leaders of the pack, so to speak.
OK, we are not walruses, I admit; but I believe that our creator designed us to metabolize food efficiently so we could survive the tough times and “stock up” during the good. I had a great body when I went to Vietnam in 1968…..well, why not? I have recently completed Basic Training, Advanced Infantry Training, Officer Candidate School and Ranger School. I was forced to work out daily and could eat only what I was fed. But was I happy? Hell no! I wanted to what was called “Pogey Bait” (I have no idea why it was called that) but we all wanted it; candy, cookies,pies, etc. Anything with tonsof sugar. (alcohol would have been nice as well). Anyway, as the years passed metabolism began tobuckle down and show me just how efficient he was. SUCH EFFICIENCY!!
I am now 63 years old and weigh in at 120 kilos……far less than a walrus, by the way. My former wife divorced me after 38 yrs of marriage (partly due to my walrus-like bent) – I took early retirement, moved to Mexico, met an incredible Mexican gal (who thinks I am handsome, in spite of my weight.)
So, what am I saying…..be as big as a walrus? Of course not. But do not pay attention to those who would have you believe you must look like a tri-athalon athlete or a top fashion model in order to be accepted by them. Remember; thin may be in, but fat is where it`s at. ENUFF SAID?
TEQUIS TOM
LOVE this, Tom. Great perspective. And I definitely have a new appreciation for the utilitarian value of the span of my backside after reading your comment! 🙂
[…] Dear Metabolism, I miss you. Really. I miss you a lot. So much so that today I started searching for a photo of you, just to remember you by. To my joy, here is what I found: Great Metabolism (Photo Credit) But upon closer inspection, I realized, this isn't MY metabolism. It's just some dude. Kind of like those pictures of other people that come in the frames at Target. So I kept looking. Then I saw you:
Yay! Thanks for sharing. Had a chance to take a peek at your blog (love!) and I can’t wait to get back over there and play some more. 🙂
Eh…I know what You feel…but I’m 19 and my metabolism went down a 2? 3? years ago. I’m training long-distance run and I should eat about 2300kcal…but with 1700-2000 i can put on weight…it’s incredible…my diet is so healthy, I don’t eat junk food, sweets etc.
Take care!
They do say that distance running is NOT the way to take off poundage. That’s certainly been my experience. But I love running. And especially the endorphins that come with the distance running. Someone needs to fire “they.”
Gosh…my metabolism is so cooperative that, even on drinking water it somehow manages to store it away in my adipose tissue…
Love it! Just brilliant.
[…] For a fun post on how we ended up where we are: Dear Metabolism […]
This is such a well written blog. I am a college runner and swimmer and my boyfriend who is almost completely inactive can still eat 10 fold more than me.
Dear Shannon’s metabolism:
Congratulations on being featured on Freshly Pressed this week! This is a big week for you, and much more publicity than most metabolisms get.
I wanted to let you (and Shannon) know that I am a certified health coach, and I specialize in kicking metabolisms (especially those of busy women) into gear. So watch out!
So if you’re feeling overwhelmed by the limelight this week and need some help getting your butt into shape, I’d like to offer you (and Shannon) a free nutrition consultation! I’ll share my top tips that will speed you up within days, and can help Shannon reach that weight loss goal. Please visit my website at http://www.fullplatehealth.com or reply for more information.
Yours truly,
Sheri’s health-conscious heart!
Along with the normal dieting and exercise, you may want to take a look at mental and emotional bits to kick your metabolism into shape. The Gabriel Method is a bit of a shocker that could jump-start things! (http://www.gabrielmethod.com/weightloss?gclid=CKrUqJqYraQCFSVL5wod3QyHcw)
Crystal
http://www.crystalspins.com
The Gabriel Method is just another “money maker” via the “weight loss poppycocks” that ever so sternly paste the gullible people’s forehead with false advertisements to raise the hopes of the ones, in this case, desperate enough to buy a book about it! You don’t need a book about weight loss, regardless of the method applied!
The weight doesn’t get there by itself; yeah, it may be harder to shed the pounds off later on in life, but there was no need to throw a promo link out there that is nothing but a bunch of hogwash that not only promotes “how-to” nonsense, but is totally not needed in any way, well, except the revenue collectors from the silly book sales. Ha-ha!
It takes 3,500 calories to equal a pound of fat; go figure……
Cheers now!
I really don’t know a thing about the Gabriel Method of anything–except the angel from the Bible who had a habit of coming around and delivering messages, but I know that’s not what you’re talking about.
Anyway, I’m not endorsing anything that anybody posts in these comments. If you come back now and then, you’ll get to know that I’m pretty direct in the things I have an opinion about! If I’m for it, you’ll know it!
As far as everybody’s links here, feel free to click through and make your own opinions. Enjoy! 🙂
Yep, I miss my metabolism too. I know exercising helps but it hasn’t happened as much as the body needs.
🙂 Great funny post. Loved the pics!
Congrats!
Hi Shannon, 44 your still a baby I’m 56 and at this point I can’t look at a plate of food without gaining weight. I was never small (X football player). But now you know what is crazy I’m afraid to eat.
Great post, really funny 🙂
Love it! Go get em!!
Thanks! And here’s a question for you… How did my Mii character happen to turn into your avatar?! I mean exactly, down to the dress color. Freaked me out a little. Mii’s switched at birth or something!
Thanks for stopping by. 🙂
I loved your post. I feel like this all of the time now that I am in my mid-40’s. Hopefully, this pep talk will get your metabolism in gear or the crowd is going to be awfully angry and ‘boo’ it to death.
that’s awesome, I feel the same way sometimes.
This is awesome… You are so funny Shannon! I’m in Biochemistry II and the whole course is about METABOLISM. It stinks that every decade we gain in our age, we need 10% fewer calories. You seem to be grabbing it by the horns. Go girl 😉
Hahah this made me giggle. I guess I have all this to look forward to…
And congrats on getting onto freshly pressed!
http://www.meandmybiro.wordpress.com
I adored this post. Seriously! I’ve been battleing with my metabolism for as long as I can remember and had given up… written off a healthy life..etc… but then, like an old “Rocky” movie, I’m back up off the mat and ready to go ten more rounds with my metabolism or go for the KO… So glad I stumbled on your blog and am looking forward to keeping up with future posts!
~Shelley
Thanks! And your “Rocky” reference made me think about one of my “Rocky” moments. Here’s the link if you want to take a peek:
Give that metabolism an extra punch in the nose for me and hope you get the chance to stop by again! 🙂
Hey, Dr. Oz says to decrease 100 calories per day to keep metabolism going at current rate (to not gain weight)… i.e. don’t eat the skin on chicken, or use mustard instead of mayo on sandwiches… also drinking ice water makes your body work harder to warm up and burns more calories… (just watched it today, and have been chugging the ice water, ha ha)… good luck!
haha what a great post! 😀 I hope the relationship between you and metabolism improves swiftly…I wish mine would!
http://sylviangirl.wordpress.com/
LOL, I completely agree – I’m only in my twenties and beginning the life-long metabolism battle with about 20 extra pounds. I just about punched my OBGYN in the face when he commented on the weight and said “I’ve got some bad news for you…” *insert long pause where I thought he was going to say I had ovarian cancer or something* “…Your metabolism only gets slower now that your older, you can’t eat a lot and not exercise anymore.” Thanks for the news-flash… Stick to my minge and let my regular doctor comment on my weight. Best of luck to you!
-Sophie
http://habitualme.wordpress.com
Brilliant post – love the picutes you found! I suspect there are a lot of us who would like to wake up our metabolisms and cheer them into an energized state. Keep up the positive efforts and we’ll keep cheering you (and your metabolism) on!
That’s showin’ ’em!!!! Tell ’em who’s boss!! A metabolism takin’ a powder on you! How dare it!!!
Mine has always been a on the slow side. I only eat two meals a day, three would make me as big as a house!
Lots of luck!! You can do it!
Hilarious! As my age creeps upward and onward I definitely can feel my metabolism slowly but surely deteriorating away. I hear sniffing glue helps? Or maybe not 😉
http://www.notcomplicated.wordpress.com
Love this post! I’m 42 and I started running just this year because of my wayward metabolism! I hated running when I was in my 20’s – I would walk everywhere, do back to back aerobic classes but I would never, ever run. Now, I love running! I have done a 5K and I am now thinking one day I will do a marathon – can’t tell you how freaky that sounds coming from me.
My metabolism and I had a bit of help getting to know each other again (we did a cleanse) and that helped us tremendously! I started eating better, it started working and with the running progress was made – hurrah!
Good luck to you and your metabolism and consider me one of those wild fans cheering you on!
-Francine
Boilerplate this letter and send it out to the masses of uncooperating metabolisms! Got a nice chuckle out of this one. Best to you~
I share your lamentations. In a span of two years I gained 20 lbs. Nothing I do (diet and exercise) can take off the weight I put on:-(
http://www.rockstarronan.com
because nothing else matters and you need to be thankful for what you have.
I read your post from today on your blog. I am praying for you and your sweet Ronan. Let me just say, that when I pray, I don’t just talk about it, I do it. What you’re going through is no laughing matter and you are so right–be thankful for each and every moment. You will remain in my prayers and I will check back to hear about Ronan’s progress. Bless you and your family.
(sigh) I get it. I think maybe your metabolism and mine were separated at birth. I’ve been running and walking 5 miles a day and in the past 3 weeks I have gained 3.2 pounds. So with each minute I shave off my time, my metabolism slows down?
Not fair.
I think that’s just an initial reaction, gaining weight. I always do too. I go on episodes of all in or all out with working out. I have noticed for the last three years (with me) every time I start, the first month I gain weight & look bigger. But then it all sheds off. The trick is to keep at it. Good luck!
Funny post! And good luck to you and your metabolism 🙂
Heh, just stood in the kitchen this evening and ANNOUNCED the new family walking schedule;)Let’s go metabolism!! You can do it!!!
Three words: Apple Cider Vinegar. Use it as a salad dressing, everyday. It eats fat cells. Plus, just eat a lot of greens! Good luck!!!
Comments from a young’un, I am 21 and have always had an issue with my weight. speaking for women of the voluptuous nature, sometimes you can watch and watch and exercise and still be of the plentiful and plump. I was gifted with an Italian family, a slow metabolism and a lack of motivation. Any way to help boost the moral is appreciated and I may not be the healthiest 21 year old but definitely after reading your post, I can at least laugh at my current bodily status. thanks for the distraction!
Way to go, woman! I have found that weight training does wonders for us forty-somethings. Check out the book “Strong Women Stay Young” if you haven’t already. It is awesome. So are you! Enjoy.
This is so clever. You made me laugh. I totally identify.
Thank you.
I think my metabolism went to visit my daughter and decided to stay with her and her own metabolism forever. They’re all just over there being this happy little threesome, probably laughing and snickering at me while I have my night time snack of milk and cookies! How dare they?
I weighed 98 lbs. when I graduated from High School. And now I…don’t. Okay, I know 98 lbs. was too thin (even though I’m only 5’2″), but it’s not like I didn’t try to gain weight. Yeah, okay, I was one of “those.” You know, the ones that could eat anything and everything and never gain a pound. That’s when my metabolism loved me and stuck by my side through thin and thin. But, hey. It didn’t last once I got to “a certain age.”
So, I’m going to cheer you on from the sidelines. Maybe I’ll even join in with some daily walking. We’ll show those rotten, traitor metabo’s! They’ll see what they’re missing. And, then, they’ll be begging us to come back! And, who knows? We might just let them–if they promise not to forget who’s the boss, right?!
Sheep don’t really have a problem with metabolism, we’re gifted over most other creatures in this world. Except Chiwawas, you never see one of those with a bad metabolism.
I know the feeling so well! It seems the best way to keep in shape at our age is to exercise and never eat. Ever. hahaha! Loved your post – I’ll be back!
Sunshine
Absolutely hilarious post. But so true.
I love this post. My metabolism is slowing down, but I’m still eating the same. I call it The Great Experiment. I should take pictures.
[…] coaxing. Metabolism is funny that way. (If you’d like to read a funny letter to metabolism, check out Shannon’s pithy letter here.) Anyhoooo, I’ll be walking/jogging with my friend Kelly, who is the coolest pastor’s wife […]
Too funny! Best of luck whipping your metabolism into gear 🙂
http://simplysolo.wordpress.com
(and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!)
[…] … Read More […]
Very good read ! Am definitely going through the rest of your blog !You deserve to be freshly pressed!
Nice Post! Sad part is the older we get the less we meet with our friend call metabolism. Unlike before when we were young it(metabolism) was one of our closest and dearest friend.
[…] were rolling along quite well. In fact, one of my posts actually got onto WordPress’s Freshly Pressed front page feature. Very exciting. But as for the accidentally post to the wrong blog…just me taking a trip […]